Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
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I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
We avoided this particular disaster
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Brilliant!
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace