Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
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The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them