Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
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*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Google Pay be like:
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I need better friends
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.