“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
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People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.