If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
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The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
doing some research
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle