joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
You Might Also Like
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU