My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
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4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.