I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
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Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here