I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
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Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.