WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
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Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”