I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
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Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
guys i’ve cracked the code
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
accurate
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I only eat vegetarians.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.