Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
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People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry