“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
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me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Ah..makes sense now
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do