“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
mumsnet is amazing
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
tell em, edith-anne
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.