[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
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[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
#parenting
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.