Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
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*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.