To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
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A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.