He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
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Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set