Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
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Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists