Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
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Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
This will teach them to underestimate me
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?