Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
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Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
thinking about a very short hotdog
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*