Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
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4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don鈥檛 put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
It鈥檚 pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I鈥檓 not going to eat them all in one sitting.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Accidentally sent a guy a 馃槈 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that鈥檚 right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea