You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
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Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest