I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
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Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
gentlemen, hear me out
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.