It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
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[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I only eat vegetarians.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.