Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
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My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Finally, a door that understands me
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.