I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
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I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”