Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
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I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.