I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
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so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
This is I, Robot all over again
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.