3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
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just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
You wish you had this many chins.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.