NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
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Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road