My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
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me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp