Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
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Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Always
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.