How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
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Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Catercrombie & Fish
#FunnyLife Insects
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
This kid will have a bright future.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential