#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
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I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours