If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
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I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.