Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
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*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
necessity is the mother of invention
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.