Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
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John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
car not found
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up