To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
You Might Also Like
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
so weird how every mom was born today
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.