I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
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People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Usage Guidelines
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Chicken bread
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.