Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
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when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate