Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
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I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing