[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
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There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
*pronounces patio like ratio
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.