My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
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If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.