It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
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[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.