REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
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I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
man i love columbo
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.