One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
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I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.