Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
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“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you