[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
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My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday