Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
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There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back